Minimising the damage for children in custody disputes

When mum and dad decide that they can no longer live together, this does not of course mean that either of them loves their children any less. In fact, separation or divorce tends to strengthen the love parents have for their daughter or son, and it brings out the protective instincts in both dad and mom.
Because of this though, the children can also become ready-to-hand weapons, used by one partner to hurt the other. The tragedy, of course, is that this tends to injure the son or daughter even more than the parents!

If your foremost concern is really for the interests of your children, you must protect yourself from day one of your marriage breakdown, to avoid criticizing or making denigrating statements about your estranged partner in front of your child.

Having a shot at your former spouse through little payback statements that are difficult to challenge becomes painfully recognizable to your little one after a while, and such moanings only serve to extend the battle with your ex.
Be the adult in the circumstances, so that your children, and only your children, gets to be the children.

Countless times, angered parents give in to the temptation to have a go at their estranged spouse by returning kids a little later than scheduled, thus making a point of rights, or they intentionally change arrangements at the last minute, just to stay ahead in the pay-back stakes.

Once you have formally ended the relationship, you need to let go of the desire to hurt your former partner for the pain you have experienced together. If something seems unjust, discuss this with your ex and don't let it build up, and be sure to leave out the, "this is so typical of you" tone, especially when in front of the children.

When your child returns to the other parent, they should not have to bear the burden of hearing about how the other resents their behavior, potentially ruining what should have been a positive time with the other parent.
Do not forget that while you might dislike having to be involved with your estranged spouse for the rest of your child's life, you are required to fulfill the responsibilities that have been born of that season together. Your children should not have to bear the cost for that.

keep in mind that a psychological level, you are both a fundamental part of your child's character. You dismantle that identity when you put down your former spouse, as you not only create conflicting loyalties within your son or daughter, but also unintentionally destroy the view they have of themselves, which in younger years is inextricably linked to their understanding of their parents.

It will every time be in the best interests of your child to have the unconditional love of both mom and dad, and the working through of a difficult custody deal must be directed by the deliberate actions of the adults involved. Relieving your little one of the stress of dislocation, and helping them to hold on to their connection with both parents is generally the best you can do for a child.
handling your anger and moving beyond your personal exasperation with your estranged partner can be one of the best things you can do for your daughter or son.

For in the long run, you do want your child to learn that sometimes even good marriages do fail and that things do get demanding, but that, in the end, they can turn out right! This is what spirit is all about and nurturing this in your child has always got to be in your child's best interests.

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